The Reaction Whore Sadist

I get a lot of reactions when I start talking to someone. It makes me realize just how hard it is to convey who I am even with tons of books and information about me on the internet.

I often get painted into a corner. I'm cruel. I'm a hard sadist. I like blood. I'm sure I've been called the "D" word a few times (dangerous or dick - either works). In fact, it happened so much that potential play partners noped out no matter how much I explained myself. I ended up attempting to make myself a little less scary.

I think there are other elements at play. I have enough trouble finding new partners simply because I am unapologetically polyamorous. People have a tendency to let their brain overwork and compare. And there is the natural pull with sadists and masochists to see super harsh, hard stuff as being a pinnacle goals and the soft stuff as weak and ineffectual.

I feel like this does a disservice to not only the people comparing but the people they are comparing to. In my 20's I worked for a Japanese company and every time I'd do anything with my Japanese supervisor he'd say, "Jason-san. No finesse at all." And he was right. I'd do everything with my utmost power. So every time I feel like I'm not exercising finesse I think of his words.

There is a ton of finesse to sadism. I think unless you are a skilled sadist, you underestimate it. Even us sadists with some skill don't really think about it much.

The truth is that, for me, sadism isn't about being "hard". And I don't need to chase danger. In fact, it exacerbates my OCD. I require reaction. And if that reaction is brought about by pain, pleasure, shock, fear, elation, shame, joy, confusion, etc.. Well I'm going to eat that up. In fact, I'm pretty lazy sometimes and the shortest path to a reaction is the one I'm going to take sometimes.

But also, I'm going to poke at every single one of those things I have consent to poke at and I'm going to make a catalog in my head like playing notes on a musical instrument. And I'm going to poke at each one like creating a song that sounds nice to me. And yes, sometimes if the tempo is too slow or the volume is too low, I might crank it up a bit (with consent of course).

Personally I long for the day when we don't elevate sadists because they are scary. But in my case it seems like I'm excluded for being scary when others are celebrated. It is just whatever. But when you take a small picture and exclude someone for being scary, or soft, or not your cup of tea, or you elevate them to some imaginary status, you do yourself and them a disservice.